and then there were five... | the story of my last homebirth

tuesday

I had my prenatal appointment, already feeling some bit of symptoms but nothing concrete. I had been having sporadic contractions since around 37 weeks so I didn’t think these were any different. the only difference today was that I had been taking way more naps, and I had a lot more discharge so for a split second I wondered if my water had broken and was trickling out, but a ph strip ruled that out. my routine urine test caught traces of blood and my midwife definitely saw that as a sign we were getting close to meeting baby. I knew I had to wait for more signs before getting my hopes up that.

regardless, I was at peace.

Ambar told us to go on a date, relax, get the oxytocin pumping and just rest. thankfully a couple of my sisters were available so we dropped off the boys and went to grab some sushi together. the funny part is we had picked out a girl name already but were still stumped on boy names. finally, during that last date, we landed on a boy name and I think baby took that as his sign that we were truly ready for him to come.

thankfully I slept soundly all night and got to really rest before everything started.

wednesday

at around 4am I woke up with stronger contractions. still no pattern, but I could tell they were different. something told me today was the day - a little voice in my head, God, my baby, my body, I’m not sure. but there was peace, and I was ready.

I got out of bed around 5am to go to the bathroom and noticed some of my mucous plug and bloody show, so I text Ambar and my friend Kayle who was going to take birth photos for me. this whole pregnancy I had felt this would be a quick labor so any time I had any symptoms I was quick to let people know, just in case.

I went on about my day, got dressed, tried to have breakfast, all while having contractions that seemed to be intensifying gradually, slowly. when I felt a bit more of a pattern I timed a few of them and they were about 7 minutes apart and starting to get stronger. I thought we might be getting close. this whole time the boys were in and out of my bedroom doing their own thing while Aaron tried watching them AND be available to me at the same time. at one point my oldest came in and I told him “I think today is the day we get to meet the baby”. he was so excited, and he walked over to the affirmation card he had made for me and asked if he could read it for me - “be strong, be brave, be loved by your friends, be loved by God”. eventually I text my mom to come be with the boys because I felt like I couldn’t really focus, and poor Aaron was torn between being with me and making sure the boys were getting everything they needed. Ambar had been saying for the last few weeks that I was probably going to wait for the boys to go to bed before really going into labor, but every time she did I just thought to myself that I’d be fine since the last time I was perfectly fine in labor while bubs was up and around.

by 10am I started getting impatient because there still wasn’t a real pattern to my contractions. I remembered with my previous pregnancies they hadn’t gotten regular until after homeopathy so I mentioned it to Ambar and she said if I felt like I needed them she could bring them to me within the hour. at this point I had a whole idea in my head of how everything should go, even though deep down I knew I should let go of any expectations. so I asked for the homeopathies and thought that would really get everything going so we could have a baby before the night came.

HA!

if there’s anything birth has taught me, it’s that’s you have absolutely no control. the best thing you can do is surrender and let things unfold the way they’re meant to.

but anyways, I did the homeopathy. something to soften my cervix because I declined cervical checks so we didn’t know where we were at, and then something to regulate contractions. over the next 3 hours I waited for things to kick into gear. instead everything slowed. way. down.

placebo? or the universes way of reminding me I have absolutely no control and I just need to surrender.

by 4pm I was getting discouraged and had a good hard cry (accidentally) with my mom and sister.

I told them how frustrated I was feeling like this wasn’t happening, feeling like I was in a fight between my own logic and my feelings; knowing something was still happening and things were still progressing because the contractions hadn’t completely stopped and they were still strong when they came, along with more of my mucous plug and even bloody show… but then my emotions clouding the logic because I just wanted to be done and meet my baby finally. I was also scared of going through prodromal labor again like the last time.

my sister reminded me this was always what I wanted though, how my entire pregnancy I talked about how I wanted to lean into the mystery of it all, starting with not finding out baby’s gender but also going all in so I could truly listen to my body and my intuition and have a different experience of surrendering it all this time.

boy do I hate when she’s right.

but it was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. she reminded me my entire world was about to change and I could focus on life now, getting to play with and snuggle my two little boys now, one last time, before all of our worlds changed.

so, that’s exactly what I did. still with sporadic contractions, but we had dinner together, we played in the sunshine, read them stories and snuggled with them when we put them to bed one last time.

by 6:30pm I was much more at peace, knowing we’d meet baby whenever they were ready. Ambar had offered to check in around that time but I told her there was no need, everything had slowed down so I didn’t see much of a point in her coming over so I let her know I’d keep her posted if anything changed through the night. she text me back “la noche trae cosas buenas” - the night brings good things.

I wasn’t expecting anything at this pint, but I did feel at peace.

the boys fell asleep around 7:30pm, and so did I.

both Aaron and I dozed off with them after snuggles and stories, but around 8pm I was jolted awake with a very intense contraction. immediately I remembered Ambar’s comments about me waiting for the boys to be asleep before going into true labor. maybe she was right. I got up and woke Aaron up, and we came downstairs to watch a show and have some snacks. my nightly snack had been ice cream but this time I didn’t feel like eating anything. of anything I was slightly nauseous.

I was getting much more intense contractions, they were different but I couldn’t sense much of a pattern yet. we were watching “new girl” but one episode in, I had to go to the bathroom because I felt intense pressure. I let Aaron know and he asked if we should call Ambar. I told him no since I wasn’t sure they were getting close enough yet. he decided to clean up the kitchen and do the dishes and I told him that was fine, I didn’t think I’d need anything from him.

by 9:30pm they were definitely getting closer together, but I still didn’t feel like timing them. not long after I got a much more intense contraction. I noticed my breath changing and the sounds coming out of my mouth weren’t the same.

around 10pm I started shaking with the contractions. at this point I knew we were close and I definitely wasn’t in denial anymore. I asked Aaron to help me keep track of the contractions while I sat backwards on the toilet. at this point Ambar had asked me to check the frequency for about 30min to an hour to see where we were at. I still felt a lot of pressure, and before 11pm I let Ambar know they were around 5-6 minutes apart. I came back to the living room and knelt over the yoga ball, over the couch, over a footstool, just trying to get comfortable while I was shaking and contracting.

all day I had been keeping Kayle updated on how things were progressing (or not progressing at points) and by 8pm or 9pm she let me know she’d probably go to bed early just in case I needed her in the middle of the night. she told me later she had just set my number as an emergency bypass and put her phone down to go to sleep when I text her “5min, shakes, want to throw up” and out the door she went.

I remember at this point knowing this was it.

I was about to do this all over again.

and I dreaded it with every fiber of my being.

I burst out crying. and I mean ugly, snotty sobbing like a toddler when they don’t get their way kind of cry. at this point Aaron left the dishes in the sink and ran over to be with me. I had text Kayle “I don’t want to do this” knowing good and well my own advice to other moms is that’s exactly when you know you’re so dang close.

knowing this in that moment was honestly more terrifying than comforting.

I knew what was coming and I dreaded it.

I told Aaron in between sobs “we can just wait for 42 weeks”. he did his best to comfort and calm me, telling me he was proud of me, that I was doing so well, that we were so close to meeting our baby. I started feeling more nauseous and like I was about to throw up when I finally asked Ambar to come.

everything was happening so fast, and not according to any of my plans or what I had envisioned. I had spent so much time decorating my bedroom with all the affirmations both me and my friends came up with, a flower garland hung up that the girls made for me at my mother's blessing, fairy lights, the birth pool was even blown up and just waiting to be filled with water... but I couldn't bring myself to go up the stairs anymore. part of me was also skeptical of waking up the boys in the middle of the night for maybe no reason since it could still be a while........right?? haha I guess I was still a little bit in denial.

at one point I did ask Aaron if we should bring the birth pool downstairs, but I also didn't want him to leave my side. I quickly decided against it, not really feeling like I needed to be in the water anyway.

at 11:30pm Ambar showed up. the contractions were one on top of the other, giving me almost no time to rest or take a beat in between. I was kneeling on the floor, leaning on the couch, still shaking and sweating absolute buckets.

at 11:37pm Kayle showed up and started taking pictures. I think Chelsea arrived not too long after, Ambar’s assisting midwife. Ambar asked me if I wanted the birth pool and I said I didn’t know. truly I just didn’t think we’d have enough time to bring it down, set it up and fill it before baby came, but then her and Aaron just made the executive decision to get it going anyway.

while they were starting to fill it, I had a little bit of a break in between contractions finally. and by the “little bit” I really do mean a tiny little bit. it was barely enough for Ambar to be able to take my blood pressure, check on baby’s heartbeat and give me a breather before everything came back on even stronger than before. I think I even cracked a couple jokes in there because I remember laughing with everyone for a second before coming back into myself.

it was still a battle of logic versus feelings.

knowledge versus intuition.

even though they weren’t physically around me I could visualize all my birth affirmations neatly taped up on my bedroom walls just upstairs …

“it’s not pain, it’s power”

“these waves cannot be stronger than me because they are me”

“the joy is coming”

and the sweetest one from my little boy, “be strong, be brave, be loved by your family”.

at this point Aaron wasn’t with me since he was grabbing all the hoses that had been set up upstairs to fill the tub, I’m sure he was crossing all his fingers that he wouldn’t wake the boys up. I remember thinking of the posts I had just seen over mother’s day with John 15:13 and referencing one’s body being broken for love, someone laying down their life for someone else. it wasn’t a comforting thought, but it somehow brought me peace, knowing my body was created to give life even when the process really feels like it’s literally breaking you open and tearing you apart.

I remember thinking how much this really sucked, how painful it really was, but also knowing there was no one else that could carry this for us but me.

I was just sitting like a ragdoll on the floor at this point, shaking, sweating, waiting. I started to feel pressure but my brain asked if maybe it was just that I had to poop, while my intuition knew it was baby coming. either way I had Ambar and Aaron help me up off the floor, slowly, painfully, and then Aaron walked me to the bathroom just as slowly, having to stop to hang onto his neck when the contraction hit.

eventually I did make it to the bathroom, realized it was time to push baby out and I shouldn’t be on the toilet for that, and slowly, painfully had Aaron almost drag me back into the living room where the birth pool was ready for me to hop in. I expected to feel some form of relief getting in the water, like I had experienced with my last births but I think I was already so far into the whole process that there was no relief to be had. I couldn’t seem to get into a comfortable position for a while but finally got on my knees and held onto Aaron’s hands.

at this point I was able to fully surrender into the contractions, acknowledging they were intense but allowing myself to feel them in all their power knowing they had a purpose.

I think that helped and I was able to fully release any fear or tension that was left.

“my body being broken for you”.

I still felt like it was time to push, even though my brain was also skeptical.

I tried feeling around for baby’s head, and felt him as soon as I reached in. I tried a bit of a practice push and immediately felt him just one more push away. at this point I think is when I said “he’s right there”, and that combined with my pushing sounds had everyone scrambling over from where they had been preparing their coffee and chit-chatting.

I could sense them all gathering around and grabbing flashlights and mirrors, Aaron saying something about bringing an extra flashlight from upstairs to which I immediately squeezed his hands and said absolutely not because I didn’t want him to leave my side. looking back now, he would’ve definitely missed it, but we didn’t know at the time.

with my other 2 babies I pushed for a whole 3 hours each time. part of me was prepared for that again, while another part of me was really hopeful that wasn’t the case.

I pushed a couple more times, my head telling me I had to take it slow so I wouldn’t tear, my body taking over and not caring what logic was saying.

his head was out, and then seconds later my body took over and not being able to control the ejection reflex his whole body just flew out, not giving me any chance to think about catching him or checking where he ended up.

thank God for baby catching midwives!

it took me a few seconds to catch my breath and realize what had just happened.

it was 12:55am.

baby was here!? I was done! and then I looked up at Aaron’s smiling face and asked “wait did someone get him?!”

Chelsea helped me sit up and Ambar handed me my baby, who cried immediately after coming out of the water and didn’t stop. I remember saying hello and “we did it!”. at one point I said something about how mad “he” was because he wouldn’t stop crying and everyone asked “oh my gosh is it a boy???” I hadn’t even checked yet but my entire pregnancy I subconsciously referred to him as “he” and when I finally checked sitting there in the birth tub with this mystery baby finally in my arms, sure enough our third little boy snuggled up to my chest. it just makes sense and he already fits so perfectly into our family.

I started feeling contractions again pretty soon and thought “seriously!? I thought I was done “. it didn’t take long before placenta was born and I got to step out of the tub to snuggle with my baby.

and was I glad that was over!!

the boys were still asleep upstairs but my oldest had asked us to wake him up if baby came in the middle of the night , so Aaron went up to grab him to introduce him to his new baby brother. he was still half asleep but so excited, and at first he pouted when he found out it wasn’t a sister like he had hoped for. but not a split second later his eyes filled with so much love and it’s been nothing but pure adoration every day since.

not long after, we heard my second starting to stir in bed upstairs so I asked Aaron to bring him down too. it was so sweet seeing him meet the new tiny human he’d been snuggling and kissing all throughout my pregnancy on my belly. he’s been the exact same and is the sweetest big brother, always wanting to give his baby brother kisses and snuggles.

Ambar and Chelsea checked on baby, listening to his heart, getting all his weight and measurements. my oldest got to help weigh him, and then we got to give them some special stuffies as big brother presents from their baby brother.

I got settled on the couch with my new little baby snuggled on my chest and Aaron filled up the air mattress so we could all have a sleepover downstairs.

all was right with the world, and in that moment we were complete.

I’m so grateful for the absolute privilege it is to carry, create and birth new tiny lives. the honor is not lost on me, the frailty of life, the bridge between worlds.

it's such a weird feeling too, this chapter in my life ending even though it’s also barely the beginning.

I’m so grateful for the women that have gone before me and shown me this was even an option-
my mom taking the first step years ago when she chose home birth and I got to see what natural, physiological, intuitive birth could look like.
her midwives that eventually became my midwives, how they held me and my little family through the entire process.
the women that were brave enough to go against the grain and listen to their bodies instead of the fear surrounding birth in society.
the women that showed me how to embrace their femininity and have embodied true feminism, encouraging me to do the same.

and I'm so grateful for Aaron. the way he carried us through every single pregnancy, loss, birth and postpartum periods. the way he never once questioned my intuition but instead encouraged me to press in and listen to it. the way he has been my safe space, carried my fears and disguised his own so that for once in my life I could finally surrender and fully walk in my feminine.

it’s been a wild ride! I’m so grateful for the woman I’ve become through all of this. motherhood has broken me wide open, tore me apart and now is beautifully stitching me back together in ways I never knew I needed. it’s been the hardest most challenging thing I’ve ever done, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!